Nicole Steegmans
by The TRIBE
Occupation: Fashion Designer, Student and Domestic Goddess (primary caretaker of children and home)
Instagram: fleur_de_bateleur
HOW DID YOU IDENTIFY YOUR PASSION AND THE WORK THAT SATISFIED YOU VERSUS WORK THAT JUST PAID THE BILLS?
I’ve been interested in fashion for as long as I can remember. My mom started teaching me how to sew when I was four and I fell in love with it. My mom was single for most of my childhood, so money was really tight. We would buy our clothes at Goodwill and get inspiration from magazines and alter/style them. I never deviated from my desire to be a fashion designer and graduated with an AA in fashion design in 2008. After college, I moved back in with my mom and stepdad and saved every penny. That Fall, I hopped on a plane and flew to New York and moved in with some of my former classmates. I worked at three unpaid internships and learned an invaluable amount. That got really difficult however, as I would work in restaurants until really late and get up early to do internships. Ultimately, I felt the New York fashion scene wasn’t for me and made my way back to California. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of self doubt and imposter syndrome, but I’m finally in a place where I’m pursuing my own design business full time.
WHO WILL ETERNALLY BE A WOMAN YOU ADMIRE AND RESPECT, AND WHY?
This is a very tough question to answer. While there are many women I respect and admire, my friend Rohini Moradi stands out. It’s difficult to concisely describe how impactful, positive, strong, and loving she is. Her ability to overcome adversity and tragedy and use her painful experiences to create good in the world is…magical. That’s the only way to describe it. She’s magic.
IN LIGHT OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF OUR HASHTAG #WHYITRIBE, WHY DO YOU THINK IT IS IMPORTANT TO CELEBRATE WHO WE ALREADY ARE TODAY?
There’s an amazing Mr. Rogers quote, “When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.”
We’re all in the process of growing, learning and changing. It’s so difficult to accept where we are now and see that it’s a necessary part of our overall journey. The reality is, there’s no perfect destination we’re going to arrive at. By celebrating who we are today, we are allowing ourselves the happiness and love that we deserve.
NAME A TIME RECENTLY WHEN YOU SAID SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF/HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
A few days ago, I was driving home on the highway and I took a moment to congratulate myself on my courage. I have severe driving anxiety (my sister, Heather, was killed in a horrible car accident when I was 16 and she was 24), and taking that moment to acknowledge my accomplishment felt really good. It was a drive I had to make for school and I had been obsessing about it for weeks. It took a lot to overcome my fear and participate. It was nice to take the time to give myself a pat on the back.
WHY DO YOU THINK WOMEN SHY AWAY FROM CELEBRATING OR PRAISING THEMSELVES SO MUCH?
I feel it has a lot to do with social conditioning. When a woman compliments herself it’s perceived as arrogant and vain. When a man does it, he’s seen as confident and self assured. Women are expected to be the caretakers, who sacrifice everything for the greater good of their family. We’re supposed to be the selfless martyrs who help in the background and want nothing for ourselves.
HOW DO YOU OVERCOME THE TENDENCY TO DISCREDIT COMPLIMENTS YOU ARE GIVEN?
Like a lot of women, this is something I had to learn to do. I started forcing myself to say, “thank you” when I receive a compliment, instead of brushing it off or denying it. It still feels weird and uncomfortable, and that’s really telling of how women and girls are taught to see themselves. We’re conditioned to see ourselves as “works in progress”; something that can always be improved. We’re taught that we should never have the audacity to accept ourselves and celebrate who we are, but that we should always be apologetic and make it clear we’re aware of our shortcomings.
WHO WAS THE FIRST FEMALE TO TEACH YOU OR INSPIRE YOU TO FEEL THAT #YOUAREENOUGH?
This would have to be my Women’s Studies teacher from Fall 2019. I had never taken a Women’s Studies course before, and she created such a safe environment for me to examine a lot of my pre-existing beliefs. It really opened my eyes to the far reaching negative effects of the patriarchy we live under and how much society works against our self esteem in an attempt to keep us subordinate and make us better consumers.
HOW DOES SOCIETY REINFORCE THE IDEA THAT WE, AS WOMEN, ARE NOT ENOUGH AND HOW CAN WE TAKE THAT POWER BACK?
This is such a good question. The dominant, white male culture begins reinforcing this idea from the moment we’re born. Women are the princesses that need men to save them, they’re quiet and polite, they constantly need help and need to be told what to do. The sad reality is that women cannot truly be empowered until we live in a society that makes them feel inherently powerful. As long as we’re denied the ability to cultivate our own power we will always be disempowered. As long as women live in fear of violence, they will never know the power that comes from living in a state of safety and security. As long as women are conditioned to see each other as enemies, they will never know the power that comes from unity. Until women can live in a society that truly values and hears them, they will always feel less than. We need a seismic shift in our society to change the systems and institutions to make our country more equitable. A logical first step is having more women in power, creating and pushing policies that benefit us.
ARE WE TOLD ENOUGH AS YOUNG GIRLS THAT #WEAREENOUGH? IF NOT, HOW CAN WE CHANGE THIS MESSAGING FOR YOUNG GIRLS TODAY?
We’ve come a long way, but we still have far to go. Unfortunately, I feel this has a lot to do with some deep systemic issues. It’s a tactic of our capitalistic, consumerist society to keep us feeling that we’re never enough. Women and girls are targeted by the media and advertising their whole lives. This becomes part of the societal subconscious, which is reinforced by social conditioning. I think the first step towards changing the messaging, is to be aware of this. This way, when you become aware that someone or something is playing on your insecurities you can come up with some tools to counteract it. It may be a positive affirmation or replacing negative self talk by giving yourself a compliment. It’s also extremely important that girls are given support in school and at home. They need to be told that they are strong, brave, resilient, hardworking, and good problem solvers.
WHAT WOULD YOU GO BACK AND TELL YOUR YOUNGER SELF, TO ENCOURAGE SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-LOVE?
This is a very emotional question for me. I spent the majority of my “formative” years desperately looking for acceptance and affection. I had extremely low self-esteem, which led to a complete lack of self-respect. I so desperately wish I could go back and spare my younger self and those around her from all the pain I experienced and caused. I know those experiences were necessary for my growth and to make me who I am today, but I would love to tell her to stop trying so hard. Stop trying so hard to fit in. Stop trying so hard to be loved and accepted by people who don’t care about you. I wish I could tell her not to be afraid to be genuinely and unapologetically herself.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH OTHER WOMEN COMES FROM? IS IT TAUGHT?
It’s a very intentional, pervasive, and pernicious tactic of the patriarchy to pit women against each other. We’re taught to see other women as competition, and that our self worth is based on being the prettiest, most sexually appealing, and popular. If another woman is perceived to be “better” than us (a better mom, wife, professional, more attractive, smarter) we’re conditioned to believe this means we’re less than. Pursuing open, honest dialogue and intentionally building relationships with other women whom we perceive to be different than us is really important. I’m trying to change my default mindset from competition to collaboration. Not to get too “woo woo”, but I do believe everyone is a unique light with something different and valuable to offer. We can embrace those who make us feel “threatened”, and see that there’s a real potential for friendship and collaboration.
WHY IS THE TRIBE MOVEMENT IMPORTANT?
The Tribe movement is important, because it brings women together. We’re living in a very divisive time and it’s important to know that there are communities of women you can lean on and learn from. We’re not alone, we’re very much in this together and we can support each other.
HOW ARE YOU TRYING TO KEEP YOUR SELF-ESTEEM UP IN THE MIDST OF THIS GLOBAL PANDEMIC AND WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO OTHERS READING THIS?
I was really struggling at the beginning of this. My anxiety was through the roof and I found myself starting to sink into some depressive, unhealthy habits. A huge step I took towards my mental and physical health was to stop drinking alcohol. I’ve struggled with an unhealthy relationship with drinking since I was 14. I finally decided enough is enough, and it has honestly changed my life. I’m now investing in myself by exercising, meditating, taking supplements and reaching out to others for support when I need it. I will say, something that always makes me feel better is listening to “That’s Exactly How I Feel” by Lizzo. If I can put that on and sing at the top of my lungs, I’m in a much better place.
